Why self-compassion is difficult, but essential

Often, the end of the year is frenetic time, and the start of the new year can similarly escape us.

And it’s easy to overlook the need of the person who needs the most support: you.

Over the holiday season, the notion of giving is well-entrenched.

Sure, we can give many kinds of gifts, we do not have to give all of our time, energy and personal space at the expense of our wellbeing.

Being kind to ourselves can look different for each person, and it’s the best gift we can give.

Why it’s hard

If you’re a person who regularly makes time to be kind to others, it can be hard to know how exactly to be kind to ourselves.

The truth is it takes practice, and it can be challenging at different points of the year or our lives.

Things can be affected by things such as grief, being busy, hesitancy to communicate our feelings, regularly doing things to please or help others and a tendency to self-sacrifice.

This can look like:

  • Regularly thinking of others more than yourself.
  • Giving more to people than you get in return.
  • Feeling exhausted or overwhelmed from running around doing things for others.
  • Not expressing your feelings and needs, instead remaining focused on the other person.
  • Feeling selfish for putting your own needs before others.
  • Deprioritising your own needs because you feel things are worse for others.
  • Regularly comparing yourself to others or setting unreasonably high standards for yourself.

The act of caring for others should remind us to act with care towards ourselves.

Showing compassion to ourselves does not make us selfish, and there’s ways to find our own balance.

What does it mean to be kind to yourself?

Kindness is choosing to do something that helps others or yourself, motivated by genuine warm feelings.

Think about a situation where something didn’t as you hoped, or as planned – a job interview, a project, something you made, a gift, a date or forgetting to save a document.

What did you say to yourself afterwards?

Often our inner-critic or our critical self-talk can quickly rear its head, focusing on what we did wrong or tell us we are not good enough.

If we said the same thing to a loved one the same situation, it’s reasonable to say it would harm that relationship.

It can be easy to be unkind or critical of ourselves and we may not realise how it can negatively affect our mental health.

Being unkind to ourselves has also been linked with depression and anxiety.

Five ways to combat your inner critic

In the moment, challenging our negative self-talk is the first step towards genuine kindness towards ourselves.

Psychotherapist Kate Graham recommends five steps to check in with yourself:

  • Stop and take a few breaths – pay attention to your thoughts, your feelings, and any sensations in your body.
  • Notice if your position is kinder or less kind to yourself – e.g. ‘I’m really doing the best I can here’, or ‘I’m wrong, I’m embarrassing myself again’
  • Breathe – try 5:5:5 breathing, where you breath in for five, hold for five and out for five, several times, to help calm your nervous system.
  • Question your position – is it useful, relevant, helpful to this situation?
  • Congratulate yourself or offer – give yourself positive acknowledgement, or consider if an alternative view be more helpful?

Five ways to show kindness towards yourself

 

We all respond well to encouragement.

Here’s five tips from Bupa UK to help us become kinder to ourselves:

  • Talk kindly to yourself – Think about how you speak to your loved ones and use that voice on yourself. Let your inner voice be a friend to you, rather than one that is harsh or unkind. This can help you to recover if things go wrong and help you cope better.
  • Focus on self-care – Having healthy routines are an important way to look after yourself. Try to make time for a healthy breakfast each day, get some exercise, and make time for doing the things you enjoy.
  • Be responsible for your wellbeing – If a stressful day tempts you to treat yourself with alcohol or unhealthy food – think about whether this is a healthy coping strategy. A treat now and then is fine, but it might not be the best way to deal with negative emotions.
  • Invest in your interests – Make time for your interests and passions, whether this is a creative hobby like drawing or painting, or an outdoor or sporting activity. Hobbies and interests can become neglected, but it’s important that you find time for the things you enjoy.
  • Think of the opportunities – Reframing our perception of our lives can give us an opportunity to pause, reflect, and reset. Think about the things you’d like to change in your life going forward, and how you’d like to do this.

Sources