How perfectionism ruins our relaxation

Relaxation takes practice.

With so much around us demanding our attention, it is challenging to separate our availability from our feelings of worthiness and productivity.

It can be even harder to re-learn our approach to methods that are ingrained, inherited, or have become counterintuitive.

Especially when it comes to relaxation and self-care.

Our physical and emotional needs will change throughout our lives, it stands to reason how we decompress will not stay the same either.

Nor will it be perfect.

Wanting to over-engineer our relaxation can skew our expectations of relaxation and ourselves, and ultimately become counterintuitive.

A little introspection helps us understand the causes of our stress and how we can find methods that work for us.

Why relaxing can feel hard

There is so much stimulating our brains on a daily basis.

This can lead us to feel compelled to perform at a higher level than what we are capable of physically and mentally in order to survive.

This can lead to burnout, and it can also make relaxing quite challenging – because we feel guilty about it.

Stress is part of our biological survival response.

In the moment of need, we can experience reactions to either fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

However, chronically experiencing this reaction detracts from our overall wellbeing.

This can show up in the form of indecisiveness, denial of feeling stressed or being overly concerned with what other people might think of you.

There is power in acknowledging your feelings which can be harnessed.

Switching off may not be straightforward, but it is possible.

How relaxing can be stressful

You are not alone in feeling some unease about relaxing.

About feeling what you feel you should be doing instead.

PsychCentral have explored this topic and found a few reasons why this might be the case:

  • An overactive or anxious mind – intrusive or negative thoughts can come rushing in when you sit down. This can lead us to feel like we need to keep busy to avoid these thoughts.
  • Hard work is ingrained into our culture – most of us live in a culture that idealises hard work, making rest or relaxation feel counterintuitive.
  • Our identities are linked to productivity – work is a big part of our lives. In our society, you need a job to make ends meet and feel productive, which can cause us to feel lazy for resting.
  • The benefits of resting aren’t obvious – not often immediate, but the benefits of rest are more long-term. However, without obvious benefits it can feel like we’re not working towards a goal and are wasting our time.
  • Difficulty staying organised – multi-tasking or jumping back and forth between tasks can make us feel like we’re not accomplishing anything. As a result, we may feel like we haven’t earned a break.

Lowering our standards

Nearly 70% of British people go on holiday to unwind and rest, yet relaxing is not automatic for us.

Research conducted by Hilton found just under half of all travel-goers take up to two days to really relax.

This can vary for everyone, so it is unfair to hold ourselves or others to the same standard of instantaneous relaxation.

What is also concerning is that participants also (39%) said they couldn’t relax because they were thinking about their lives back home.

A further 29% cited being worried about the work they’ll go back to.

While holidays are important, they are a luxury expense – and they are not the only thing we can do for ourselves to truly relax.

There are ways to get into a state of focus and relaxation in a way that is most effective for you – you will need to be open to trying new things.

Find what works for you

We’re not categorically bad at relaxing, but we need to free ourselves from expectations and explore what works for us as individuals.

Not every method of relaxation will work for you as it does for someone else, and vice versa.

Self-reflection can help you find what activities suit your flow state.

  • Stop comparing yourself to others – our lifestyles, working hours and leisure hours are all (even subtly) different, don’t treat a few relaxation methods as universal.
  • Be open to trying new things – if you’ve sat in tepid bathwater wondering what else you could be doing with your time, it’s probably time to look into other options.
  • It should suit your personality – your natural inclinations will help determine the flow environment that suits you best, e.g. level of adrenaline, group or individual activities.
  • It can involve developing a skill – what you do should be challenging enough to keep you engaged, but not so much that it becomes overwhelming.
  • It should challenge you to the point of frustration – error is a crucial part of the learning process. Surprisingly, frustration is the precursor to our focused flow state.

Sources

Resources